Well, addressing the elephant in the room, this is definitely a far cry from what I usually do – it provides me with a routine, provides you with some routine reading material, and maybe, hopefully, inspires you just a little bit when you’re feeling down in the dumps.

I figured I’d start this as a way to watch my emotions evolve and adapt in real time. Nothing special, nothing remarkable in any way, just something for me and subsequently for you. It’s like you’re out grabbing coffee with me every week, letting me bounce ideas off of you – and hey, if you ever want to bounce things back, y’all know where to reach me (if not, I have a handy contact page! How cool!). I hate using the word “blog” because of the gross, pre-2015 implications of blogs, so literally think of this as just a nice formalization of my notebooks where I jot my weekly notes.

You’ll also get handy headers that collect some of the motifs of my thoughts from the past week – consider it my affordance for a compromise between diehard readers and Subway-Surfers-in-the-background adherents. Also – fun fact – the cover images (as much as possible) will be pictures I’ve taken throughout the week that really encompass the ethos of what I write about. That’s the nerd in me for sure.

Anyways, enough of that preamble that I’m definitely not using to fill word space – let’s get to it…

Imposter Syndrome, and the illusion of being put together.

This was such a recurring theme this past week that I saw fit to write about it! It’s almost like I’m a Computer Science major.

There were so many things that fell into place this past week that I almost didn’t feel like I deserved. Not in the bad, self-detrimental, “woe is me” type way, just in that way you feel when you kinda stumble to the finish line and accidentally set a PR. In the span of a week, I submitted 3 assignments that all got above a 95, wrote an exam that was pretty darn good, got a research grant during said exam, spoke at open house tours about how great being a student was, and the whole time I felt like a cable managed mess!

Again, I need to stress, this isn’t the typical, “I feel like a mess because life is bad and living is Not Good,” but rather literally that cable managed mess, where everything is nice and cool and flashy on the front and a bit of “plug it in and pray” in the back. As I’m writing this, I realized I could have just said I was having a mullet week, but I’ll leave that metaphor to interpretation…

I think back a lot to a conversation or two I’ve had with professors, classmates, and my parents about the value of hard work, but it’s almost like no one ever tells you about the effort that goes into effort, if that makes sense? A sign outside my advisor’s office reads “success is like a ladder – you can’t climb it with your hands in your pockets,” (or something along those lines, don’t crucify me) and the part they neglect to mention from that nice bit of simile is the fact that the ladder stretches to the moon and is sometimes made of red-hot aluminum that makes you wonder why you keep burning your hands as you grab a rung.

In a sense, it’s almost become a comforting monotony, but at the same time you really do spend a day or two every week thinking to yourself “man, this should seem worth it, but it’s kinda diluted by all the other work going on.” If this is what industry is like, thank God I’m going into academia. I think I’m in a very advantageous spot where I have the opportunity to give back every single day, at least to one person, and I love where that philosophy has guided me this year. In a morbid sense, it’s forced me to realize my mortality and realize that I don’t have forever to change lives.

Though, I will say, it is nice finally not wanting to always hit a 90 or above on everything. I’ve been very comfortable with my 72 in Calculus II, and I plan to stay that happy. There’s my first tidbit of advice for the journal, how exciting! Be happy with your personal victories and remember that no amount of cascading due dates should outshine your own victories. Realize that entertainment, personal care, and other REALLY necessary amenities should never come at the mental cost of not feeling good enough (this is one I’m still working on!)

Though, it was admittedly funny to learn midway through an exam that I got a research grant…

Ooh, it’s nice outside!

As boring as this segment will be, the weather had me in such a good mood last week! It was so nice turning up to Brock for the open house and ending up running around in a jean jacket instead of 8 layers like I’ve come to expect from Niagara “springs.” Spring has always been a nice reminder to me that it’s time to shake off the emotional dust from the winter and get back to being fun, sociable me – I always seem to have more of a social batter when the sun comes out. Am I a human solar panel?

As I write this, sitting outside Mac Chown in the courtyard, it’s almost like I’ve got this remote, vicarious happiness on behalf of everyone here. In front of me, there’s a group playing badminton, another pair throwing a football, a couple studying on a bench, a hair braiding circle… just so much to be happy about. There’s nothing but happy faces all around, even amongst those engrossed in books. It’s so refreshing.

Even with all the exams and due dates and other crap going on, I always love coming outside on these rare days of nice weather – even if I am, right now, taking a break from taking notes about infinite series convergence tests. It’s oddly reminiscent of the “bikes leaned against that transformer box outside the park” of being 12 years old again, especially considering you start to grow up far too fast in university. The amount of people-watching I can do from this bench has told me that those concepts are still very much alive and well, and there’s something that makes you break out in a cheeky smile in seeing two friends meet, hug, and run off talking towards a nice shaded tree. Even as everyone heads inside for the evening as I publish this edition, it’s cool to think a fair bit about the individual lives everyone leads, and how this doesn’t just isolate to the courtyard - makes me want to take a break, call up a friend, and ignore the studying for the time being to just be present.

There’s a lot to be mad at in the world right now. I won’t ever deny that fact. However, I think it’s always worth taking a second to find peace in the world around you, especially when you get that vicarious happiness without even knowing. Everyone is in such a good mood today – even more so me because someone came by and complimented my green Converses, and you already know your boy likes a good compliment about a questionable design decision.

Reflection is a wonderful beast.

I had a research group meeting, followed by an impromptu multi-hour discussion after the fact, and it reminded me of the beauty of just reflecting on personal character growth. Being able to sit in a circle and laugh at the various stages of your life – high school, first year, et cetera – while laughing in a way that isn’t the typical self-detrimental, “man I was embarrassing” fact is also equally as refreshing as seeing a temperature in the 20s and wearing shorts outside in April.

I couple this with the discussion I had with some friends about being a wicked introvert in first year and through most of high school, while just taking a second to appreciate the growth into the Tyler that appreciates the value of public speaking and meeting new people. I am criminally living in the present, and I like to say that I have chronic now-itis; not quite a fear of missing out, but a complete and utter inability to recognize the beauty of my character years, even days, ago and the growth that’s occurred since then.

Hearing stories of personal growth from everyone around me is just honestly so ridiculously healing and encourages me to take a mental tour with 18 year old Tyler and give him the “this is all yours, if you stay off the worn-in trail of what’s comfortable” talk. My second piece of brilliant advice (third, if you count playing frisbee at a university in nice weather as a piece of genuinely lifechanging advice) is to always take those mental palace tours with every single version of you – not just you from 5 years ago, but you before and after the breakup, you before and after the tragic experience, and you before and after the exam that supposedly changed your life. I guarantee you, utterly guarantee, that you will be a better, more in-the-now informed person for it.

I’m actually super giddily emotional writing this just thinking about how much me 5 years ago would have enjoyed life now, even with all the extraversion – I know younger Tyler would so love being able to study in a courtyard, living an otherwise independent life for the most part. Make time for that younger version of you, and don’t really worry about future you in that exact moment – future you can arrive when future you is relevant. Ignore all the inspirational posters for a minute!

Weekly Prompt

This is a desperate attempt to keep me accountable for putting these out into the world, while providing you a chance to contribute some deeper thoughts that may make you just that bit much a better person! How fun!

This week’s prompt: how much work do you need to do to reconcile with your past versions of self? What do you think you can get out of it?

I hope that all this senseless rambling inspires some critical thought, makes you feel a bit better, and adds an NPR-esque vibe to my little digital journal that justifies its public existence. Always feel free to reach out and discuss these with me – who knows, maybe you’ll inspire another topic of discussion next week!

Until next week (or much later, if I forget about doing these),

Your digital journaling compatriot.